Let's read!

I haven't sat back and read a meaningful book in a long time. I came across the following list - http://www.buzzfeed.com/krystieyandoli/books-you-pretend-youve-read-but-actually-havent and I realized there were a lot of books that I read a long time ago, but I should probably brush up on them.  So, I've decided to read each of these books and blog about them.  I'm giving myself an average of two weeks for each book, with the exception of the Bible, as I don't think I can read the Bible in two weeks AND maintain a life. Hopefully everyone will consider reading or re-reading some of these books while I do it.  Let's have some fun!

Calling on Prince Charming...

I know you all get sick of me posting about not finding love, but I can't help it as I honestly feel that is one of the only areas in my life that is truly lacking.  I guess I'm feeling down about myself because I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing wrong.  I have to be doing something wrong, right? I'm the common denominator in this situation.  Katt Williams said something about "attracting ain't shit men because women have ain't shit pussy..."  Well, although Katt Williams has gone crazy, he did have an interesting point.  Maybe there is something about me where I continue to attract men who just aren't worth my time.  Of course, there is always the theory that those are the easy men to get.  After all, men who are users love to go after half-suspecting, half-witted females such as myself.  We're easy, because we're desperate.  We just want a man who will pay attention to us every once in a while, someone who we can tell some of our friends about, but not necessarily take home to mama.  You can't take a thug home to mama, right?

So for the past few months, some of you (but not all of you) know that I'm doing the online dating thing.  It's not working.  One of my favorite ones was the man who did not understand that we were not a match, we would never be a match, and if he thought to read my online profile he would see that I'm the exact opposite of anything he has claimed to be attracted to...  He likes Broadway musicals and hates coffee. He also thought I would meet him at a Target Starbucks and then get in the car with him after that.  Mama didn't raise no fool - I was born at night not last night, son! I don't get in cars with strangers.

The next guy sounded like someone I could have gotten more into.  He was from New Orleans, he likes food and football, he had never been married and he didn't have kids.  He didn't, however, share online how he likes to drink a lot.  He was unemployed, didn't have a car, and when I finally did talk to him on the phone, I couldn't understand a word he said.  More importantly, he didn't have anything to really talk about.  Of course, if he did have something to talk about, I wouldn't know, because I couldn't understand him.

So I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong.  I think I figured it out.  I'm TOO honest. I'm too upfront. I'm not cute, or coy, or flirtacious.  I figured this out while hanging out with my BFF.  When I told her about my flaws as other folks see them, she pointed out to me that I expect these people to be accepting of me the way I am, because most of my friends from my childhood and teenage years are accepting of me the way I am.  Other people want to change me because they think after knowing me for a month, two or twelve that I'm going to become someone more fitting for their tastes.  NEWSFLASH - I'm not. I'm not going to change the way I dress, or wear makeup more often, or learn how to walk in heels.  I'm not going to pretend I'm not as smart as I am, or start batting my eyelashes when I talk. 

I basically just figured out I will be single for the rest of my life. I can't be who other people want me to be. All I ask for is a good, honest man who can appreciate me for the good, honest woman that I am.  Unfortunately the likelihood of finding that man is slim and none.  I'm not saying that there aren't good, honest men out there.  What I am saying is I'll be 40 in 3 months. Three. Most people have that person that they will marry by the time they turn 40 if they are still single.  I don't have that person. I don't have a potential somebody that would be that person. I have awesome friends.  I have a great family.  I have a decent job.  I have a cute face. I have to learn to be alright with being alone.

By the way, if any of you say some crap to me about how my prince will show up once I quit trying to find him, I promise you I will delete you from my Facebook page. I will probably delete you from my phone.  I cannot be friends with a person that lives in that unrealistic world.  I have had many times when I was not trying to find someone because I had way too much going on, guess what, he didn't show then either.  Fact of the matter is, sometimes a prince will come, sometimes they don't.  I just wish I was the girl they came for.

Agape, philos and eros

"All you need is love," or at least that's what the Beatles said, right? And not just you, the whole world needs love according to Diana Ross. Love, love, love... We hear about it all of the time. In every song, in every movie and television show, every book... Humans have an obsession with love.  Ewan MacGregor's most famous line in Moulin Rouge? "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to be loved and love in return..." We're not happy with agape or philos love either, it's eros or it's nothing at all. Why?

I wanted to get biblical with this for a moment. Everyone, turn your bibles to 1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 8, then skip to verse 13. See, here in the bible love is described as charity. Of course, this is often the most quoted chapter during wedding ceremonies.  This is, of course, right after the bride has walked down the aisle to Kelly Rowland's song "Motivation." Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit with that last line. What I do know is even people who aren't necessarily the strongest believers (or believers at all) will use those verses as a description of the love they have for their mate.  In the future, maybe those verses shouldn't be the ones that are used. Perhaps we should consider Song of Solomon 1: 2-4... Ladies, there is a verse for you to share with your man, try Song of Solomon 1: 13. See, the difference is in Corinthians, it's all about philos love - how you treat mankind.  Of course the bible has many examples of agape love - the unconditional kind God has for us. But Song of Solomon? Yeah, that's all about eros love. But what y'all know about that? Y'all don't know nothin' about that.

I had to write this tonight. My cousin is going through some things right now, and he inspired me to write. What can I say other than love is everyone's favorite and not so favorite subject. We're all obsessed with it. We spend our whole lives talking about it and how we want it or need it and gotta have it and can't live without it. Well, most of us do, except my Road Dog Amy.  She told me to tell y'all "stay away from romantic love.  It's an emotion and emotions pass.  Get a vibrator and call it a day!"  As lovely as that sentiment is, it's kind of unrealistic.  Love happens.  Unfortunately, it doesn't happen for all of us.  Personally I think that's where we go wrong. We expect it to happen because it happens for so many other folks.  The last guy that I dated seemed to be fascinated with the fact that I was (and I still somewhat am) convinced I won't ever fall in love. The fact that he even caught on to me saying that was a miracle in itself, seeing as he had the attention span of a gnat.

Some of you might be asking at this point "why doesn't Lisa believe she will ever fall in love?" Well, there's the issue of never having been in love and I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30.  Of course that leads some of y'all to ask "well then how in the hell does she think she can blog about love?" Just because I haven't fallen in love doesn't mean I haven't broken anyone's heart. All I want to say about that is the other point the man with the attention span of a gnat made was people always want what they can't have.  So, the people that have fallen for me did so because they couldn't have me.  Of course this reminds me of the conversation my mother and I had earlier... Mary is brilliant and we'll leave it at that.

Which brings me to my question, and this one is for the boys... Why do you always want to go for a woman who is out of your league? Don't get me wrong, I had a bad habit of falling for men that I could never have. But usually that was because I wanted to deny the guy was gay (George Michael) or maybe he's an A-list celebrity (George Clooney) or he plays for the Green Bay Packers and he's very married (James Jones) or whatever you want to say, that was my previous problem. Now I'm just learning to accept that as a 7.5 - 8 on a scale from 1 - 10 (I admit I have my flaws) I need to follow Joey Tribbiani's rule of dating.  As a 7.5, I can date another 7.5, or a 4 and a 3.5, or a 5 and a 2.5, or three 2.5's... You get the idea.  Men, on the other hand, always go for women that could do better than them, so these women have to settle. Perfect example, President Obama. Don't get me wrong, our President is pretty cool.  He has swag on swag. But let's face it, Michelle is certainly smarter than he is, there's a reason she was his boss.  As long as I'm being political, let's look at Bush 43... Dubya did not have the best reputation when he was younger... But Laura is a total class act. She put up with his shenanigans, and it paid off in that she became the FLOTUS, but was it really worth it in the end? Why oh why do we put up with it from these men?

Not that women aren't without their flaws. I always promised myself if I did ever get married, I would NEVER nag my husband to death. How in the fuck a man doesn't haul off and knock a nagging chick out is beyond my comprehension. Not that I condone violence against women by any stretch of the imagination... I just know that I don't want to hear the shit when I get home from work so I imagine he wouldn't want to hear it either.  Also, being the man in the relationship is for the man. I'm not saying women have to stay in the kitchen except when they're in the bedroom... I'm saying let a man be a man, whatever that may mean to him. Do not belittle him.  Remember that you don't have to "obey" him, because that's for pets and children, but at the same time, he deserves to be respected.

 Maybe we'll all get it right before December 21st, but I doubt it. Feel free to comment and give me some insight, because I only pretend to know everything. Love to you all during this holiday season...

A Cameo song suddenly pops in my head...

I watched this movie earlier today with my friend Amy.  It was and was not what I expected. I like to think that we all have coming of age moments throughout our lifetimes, and this movie seems to have examined a coming of age moment for our protagonist, Lola. First, let me state I was pleasantly surprised to see Debra Winger and Bill Pullman playing her parents in the film, as I do think they are fine actors who just don't get enough work nowadays.  Another point, I'm glad they used lesser known actors for the main roles, because that seemed to make the story more believable. Final aside before I get to my theme - I love movies where the character makes me empathize. Yes, I said it, empathize, not sympathize with her.

Now my main point - I'm young.  Not chronologically, because say what you want but 39 is middle aged.  What I mean when I say I'm young is I think like a young person.  There was a time, 10-15 years ago, where I would have said this was not the case.  In fact, I'm finding the older I'm getting, the more I'm regressing.  I don't know if this is common, but I'm realizing that I have a youthful spirit about me that I didn't have before. This does not, in any way shape or form, mean that I am more likely to put up with bullshit. I'm young, but I'm not stupid.  It's just I have a lot of friends that are younger than I am, along with an appreciation for the youth/ young adult culture of today.  This is not to say that I don't like hanging out with older people, because some days those are the only people I want to be around.  I'm just saying in general, I'm pretty immature.

Perhaps because of my inexperience, immaturity or whatever the case may be, I'm having some issues with some things that seem to flow for everyone else.  Notice in the photo, it says Lola vs. Sex, Love, Lola, The World. Lola, a typical 29 year old at the beginning of the film, is excited because she gets engaged to a man that she is convinced is the love of her life. Life is going well until our main character is dumped by her fiance. Her life takes all kinds of wacky twists and turns over the next year, and we get to go through it with her. I'm watching this movie, however, thinking although I haven't had her exact same experiences, her problems are my problems. See, she was obsessed with her ex-fiance.  Not in a stalker sort of way, but in the way that people tend to put others ahead of themselves.  I admit it, I've done that before. Not for extended periods of time, because after a while, that shit becomes annoying.  But I've done it and I can't say I won't do it again.  But is that something that people do? I mean, I thought spouses did stuff like that. I guess I'm wrong.

Another question I have from the film, and this is something that I've had to address with more than one person lately... Why do people insist that you find someone when you aren't looking? Lola and her best friend had that conversation. I've had it recently with one of my cousins. A lot of people say this to me on a regular basis. This is my problem with that statement, if you're single and you want a mate, you're looking for a mate. Period. That's all there is to it. There are some days where you may look harder than others, but every day you are putting it out there be it in the way that you dress, your actions, your interactions with others, just name it.  Now, don't get me wrong, you may be shocked once you find it, but to say that you weren't looking for it is disingenuous in most cases.  After all, how many people meet on websites? That's eHarmony's whole selling point, the number of great matches they have due to their "scientific method" of matching up people. What is it, 47 different levels? For that matter, look at the amount of money people spend on these sites, just to avoid being alone.

I often say that I'm going to end up alone.  I have good reason to believe that is true.  According to the wisest woman I know (my mother) I shouldn't say that because I don't know what God has in store for me.  I know this much, if He had plans for me to be with someone, He would have made me more willing to put up with idiocy.  Just when I think I'm willing to deal with a guy, he goes and does or says something stupid... Or one of my friends points out some flaw in him that I can't overlook... Or I realize how much easier it is to just not be serious about him because of myriad reasons that I'm not willing to list at this point.  I'm kind of tired. I've repeatedly said that I'm sick of people, but I think I'm going to honestly try to do some stuff differently in order to avoid dealing with a lot of people for a little while.  Folks are getting to be too much. So, you all will still hear from me on Facebook or any comments made to this post, but if you don't see me or hear from me otherwise, don't worry, I'm okay. I'm just pulling away for a while.  And no, it's not because I am hoping to find someone special or any of that bull, it's honestly because I want to get back to a place where I like people again, and until I start to miss some of y'all, I need to stay away.

During my absence, try not to suck.

It's been a long time coming...

So, I've taken the entire summer off from blogging, and I'm not quite sure why.  Probably because I wanted to blog about something that makes me happy, yet unfortunately for me that hasn't happened.  I guess it's because the more time passes by, the more I fucking hate people.  I know I'm not supposed to say I hate people, but with every fiber of my being I'm really becoming more disgusted with this world.

A few days ago I gave my boss a copy of my resume.  He's helping me clean it up and make it look pretty because I am ready to find something else to do with my life, and I want nothing to do with a call center.  Well, anyone who has met me in the past two years knows that I have a degree in Religious Studies, and most people know that I was the President of the Religious Studies Student Organization.  Apparently, putting that on a resume is the "kiss of death" because it says "religious."  This is why people make me so fucking sick.  I really want whoever is reading this to think about this... I studied religions because it gave me a better idea of people, who they are, what they believe, and it taught me to accept people.  The irony?  Yeah, apparently because I studied religion I wouldn't be considered by most companies as worthy of hiring.  You see, as a religious studies student, I must be completely myopic - there is no way that I could understand what other people believe because studying religion means I'm a Christian, not that I understand about the Holocaust, or the difference between someone who practices Islam and someone who is Islamist, or what it means to be "Born Shinto, Die Buddhist".  No, that couldn't possibly be what I was taught.  You see, what I had to have been taught is that Christianity is the only way to Heaven, and that anyone who doesn't believe in Christian Protestant religions will surely burn in Hell as Jesus is the only Way.  At least that's what I'm led to believe by employers, except if anyone read my resume they would see my degree is from University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee, not Liberty University.  There are way more people who are agnostic or atheist getting Religious Studies degrees at UWM than even I thought was imaginable.  Why is that?  Because people are looking for ways to understand questions about the supernatural, and questions about other people.  Yet everyone assumes that my degree means I want to be a minister or something.  Far from it!  If I wanted to go to a Bible college and preach, I would have done so.  But I don't have to go to college to know how to preach or what to preach about, I go to church which allows me plenty of opportunity to learn how to preach.

I guess another problem I have is people who don't want to talk about religion, or politics, or whatever sets of beliefs one might have.  I don't think debating those things is right, as I think everyone is entitled to believe whatever they choose.  But I want to hear that folks have thoughts about these things, yet this world has become too PC to talk about fun stuff.  Or maybe it's because people always want to argue instead of learning to understand another person's POV.  Yet another reason why people annoy the shit out of me.

A lot of people think they are so open minded and willing to learn about what makes people tick.  It's a fucking joke to me.  The minute a person closes their ears and eyes to hearing about other religions should be a clue for me to not want to know them.  I seriously need to take a break from everyone, because the more I get to know about people, the more I realize I should just find a dog and go off the grid.

This is it, for the most part

So the beginning of the end has happened.  I finished, for better or worse, my first final earlier today.  I have four more finals to take.  I will be completely done on Thursday at 2:00 PM.  I don't anticipate having grades like I did last semester, but I'm fine with it.  My main concern is getting across the stage next week Sunday.  I'm so happy that I didn't turn back this time.  It was easy not going to school all of those years (1993 - 2006) but something clicked for me at the end of 2006 that told me it was time to go back.  So in January 2007, I embarked upon a new chapter in my life.  I didn't think I would go more than a semester.  I certainly did not have to go back to school, as I was in what I thought was a secure and stable job.  Looking back, going to school was the best decision I could have made at that time.  I had a lot going on in my life from 2005 - 2007, and school brought some focus that I would not have had otherwise.  Of course, 2007 - 2009 were some tough years, but I was reminded that I had a working brain, and it needed some food.  I couldn't just sit back and watch people get degrees and good jobs, knowing that I had the knowledge to obtain a degree from almost any school. 
I look back at this time because I remember what I was like almost 20 years ago, when I graduated from high school.  I had no desire to go to college, but I wanted to leave Milwaukee so desperately, specifically leaving my mother's house.  Being "grown" meant that I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, and had no one to answer to.  No wonder I left college when I did! I tried to go back, but that was not going to happen. I lasted about a semester before I left for good, or so I thought.
I'm jumping around quite a bit tonight, but that's because my academic career is representative of the vicissitudes of life that I have experienced thus far... I'm at my best when I'm in school, especially when I'm doing well in school.  When I'm not in school, I waste a lot of time trying to figure out how to exercise my gray cells.  If I don't find something constructive, I become destructive.  I need to work on the next part of my academic career as soon as possible, as I don't want to lose the focus I have developed.  It's kind of funny, talking about having focus when I'm avoiding studying for finals...
I think of all the times my family and friends gave me grief and stayed on me about going back to school.  In my head, it was not going to happen because there was nothing that I could do well enough to get a bachelors degree.  Then I remembered I could read.  Seriously though, I know my degree is not useful for more than certain, specific jobs, but fact of the matter is, in this job climate the only position I could have worked towards with a guaranteed job anywhere was nurse, and sorry, but I'm not nurse material.  The minute someone told me I would have to stick someone with a needle is the minute I would walk out of the hospital doors.  So although my degree is in History and Religious Studies, two disciplines that basically scream "go into teaching" and nothing else, I'm pretty proud of having accomplished a B.A. in them.
I'm excited.  I don't know what the future will bring.  I know that it will bring student loans.  I'm hoping it will bring an awesome job.  Most importantly, I'm looking forward to adding a new title to my life story, college graduate.
Have a good week y'all...

About that job thing...

I'm not lying when I say I need a new job.  I know a lot of you call in to customer service call centers, and perhaps you're having a shitty day when you all of a sudden remember you have to pay a credit card bill.  Well, let me give you a little insight on what my day is like -

Sometime between 6:30 or 7:30, I'm waking up.  Now this may seem normal to the majority of you, but for me, since I often don't get off of work until 12:15 AM or later this means I'm not getting the 7 to 8 hours of sleep that my body craves every night.

I'm okay when I get out of bed.  My mother usually has something awesome in the kitchen, I throw on some clothes, typical morning stuff.  Sometimes I tell my mother about the previous night at work, or we discuss anything that happened in the news recently.  Whatever, it's good, and with that I'm out the door...

So driving to school is always an adventure, because people in Milwaukee drive like their wheels are stuck in molasses.  Freaking ridiculous if you ask me, but then again, I'm still a California driver.  I'm trying to reform myself, but why do 30 when you can do 35?  Why do 35 when you can do 40?  Just a thought...

I get to school, chat with friends, try and make it through the day without sleeping (I'm usually pretty unsuccessful at that.)  All in all though, I'm usually pretty cool with the day up to this point because besides shitty driving, life's been good.  After this, I head home to eat something, pack up dinner, and head out the door...

So I get to work.  I start praying about people in the car.  I know some of you don't believe in the power of prayer, but I have to do something to keep my sanity.  I continue to pray as I walk through the doors, and usually I can sit at my desk.  But there are times when I have to find a seat and I'm not happy about that.  Seriously?  You're a multi - billion dollar company and you can't afford to set us all up with our own desks?  Stupid.

I get on the phone and most of the time my first call is normal.  But then there are times where one of my first calls of the day will go a little something like this...

Caller: "I'm calling about the late fee on my account."

Me: "Ok, let's take a look at your account and see what we can do about that late fee... May I have your name please?"

Caller: "Mary Smith"

Me: "Thank you for that information Mrs. Smith.  For verification purposes, may I have the last 4 digits of your social security number?"

Caller: "1234"

Me: "Thank you for that information.  For further verification purposes, may I have your telephone number please?" (at this point I have already removed the late fee, but I can't say anything because I'm not done verifying her information)

Caller: "Why do I have to give you that information?  I already gave you the last four digits of my social security number!  Why can't you just remove the late fee?"

Me: "Mrs. Smith, I just need to verify that we have the most current number on file in case we need to contact you about your account.  If you could just give me that number, I'll be glad to see what we can do about the late fee."

Caller: "Well, I'm not giving you that number so you can just close my account!"

Me: "Ma'am, if I close your account, you will still owe the late fee on the account" (yes, I have it put back on because I'm not removing a late fee for someone who's closing their account.  That's counterproductive.)

Caller: "I'm aware of that.  Close my account."

In my head, all I can think is "you crazy bitch."  I'm looking at her phone number!  All she has to do is say it.  At one point, I actually told her that if she could give me any phone number that would be acceptable.  I just wanted to remove her fee and go on to the next call.  She wants to argue and act as if closing her account is going to make this company go out of business.  She must have drunk a pitcher of crazy if she thought that was going to happen!

Throughout the rest of the night, I get more crazy calls from more stupid people.  However, I'm supposed to sit there and take it because that's what we do, we "take care of people."  How about taking care of the people that work for your company?  In doing this, you make it impossible for people to feel as if they are a valued part of your corporation.  I know that they are convinced that customers are the reason why we're in business, but I can guarantee that if you do not take care of your employees, you will lose quality people.   If you lose quality people, you will lose business.

I count the minutes before I can leave.  I get home and I'm exhausted, but I can't go to sleep so I watch whatever is on my DVR.  I replay calls over in my head, not to see where I went wrong or what I could do to make the next calls better, but because I want to remember to tell people about the stupid shit folks say to me.

I know you all have bad days.  For whatever reason, when someone calls customer service, they think that being mean and disrespectful to the person on the other line will accomplish whatever goal they had.  Just asking for what you want and answering my questions is just as likely to get you what you want.  You don't have to be upset with my company because you don't have your life together.  I'm here to help, not hurt. 

Regarding the company where I work, I have lost some great co-workers because of your policies.  You have got to do better.  I'm not sure why companies stopped treasuring their employees.  Maybe it's because unemployment is so high.  Maybe they stopped because turnover means you can pay the next person less than you were paying the last person that worked there.  I don't know.  All I know is when people realize they can do better, they will leave.  Your goal should be to keep people who are good at what they do, but I see that you couldn't give a shit. 

I really need to find another job.  I'm too old to get an ideal job as a movie/restaurant/hotel/airline critic.  I would love to get a job as a trainer somewhere.  I just can't continue down this current path.  I'm far too old to put up with people's bullshit.  Of course, I'm thankful that I have a job, so I guess I should just shut up.  I can't see that happening though...